As Halloween came and went, my mind was drawn to the rituals we practice and how important they are, even if we don’t realise it at the time. Halloween is noted for its pagan and religious roots and secular traditions, but originally it began as something serious and important, being the start of a holiday dedicated to remembering the dead.
Why do we need to remember the dead? In counselling theory, we call it ‘continuing bonds’, an important part of Grief, and a valuable concept, one we all need to care about. In their book of the same name, Klass, Silverman, and Nickman explain that it is normal for the bereaved to continue their bond with the deceased. In their work, they observed many cases in which remaining connected to the deceased provided comfort and support in coping with loss and adjustment. Within my own family experience, this has certainly been the case. Rituals can make us feel connected and grounded, by creating something meaningful, by honouring death itself in the case of Halloween.
Sometimes we need to consider what it means to face death head on, by trying to understand death and contemplate our belief systems, challenge our values. We can pretend, as often people do, that death is something that will happen at some far off stage, or that it happens to others, but it is happening all the time to people we know, to the people we love most. Why do we need to remember the dead? 'Continuing bonds' says that it's normal to stay connected with your loved one. Society is making strides, but many people still believe that staying attached to a deceased loved one is pathological. As a result, many people worry about continuing their connection to the deceased, and wonder - Is this okay? Does this mean I'm not coping well with grief? Should I be worried? Am I stuck? No, talk to a therapist, it’s a normal coping strategy and a good idea. Society might be slow to grasp this, but if they did, I think grieving people might feel a little better understood. For Death is the only certainty in any of our lives.
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